Warning to citizens of Denver, CO

I don't know why, but I felt compelled to warn the lovely people of Denver the American Ass is re-locating to their area. I think it was very inconsiderate on his part, especially since he's required to introduce himself around his new neighborhood as per the terms of his conditional probation.

It's Fun To Throw Things

Townie Dart Club meeting now in session.  

In the photo you can tell I didn't believe The Ass when he said he would "F-ing throw an F-ing dart at my F-ing head, if I didn't F-ing move from in front of the F-ing dartboard". Fortunately, he sucks balls at throwing darts, and his errant throw sent his projectile straight down into the floor, no more than three feet in front of him. As an added bonus, he hit himself in the nuts when he did it too. Needless to say, we had to adjourn the meeting shortly thereafter, as his barrage of obscenities was too tough to record into our Club meeting's minutes.

Taking sides in the great "Toilet Seat Debate"

Why I never learned to put down the toilet lid.

It seems to me that in the name of "equality", women would take some responsibility for putting up/down the toilet seat. We (males) put the toilet seat UP, 1 move required, and they (females) can easily put it DOWN, 1 move required. That's equality, the same number of moves are required of anyone regardless of sex/religion/ethnicity.

Which of these options do you prefer, when you're cutting it dangerously close to "go time":
a)Having to put the seat down, costing you precious seconds.
b)Having to wipe off a layer of urine from the seat, costing way more precious seconds, using precious rations of the toilet paper, and causing lingering fears about catching something.
c)Having to put down the seat, finding it soaked/needing to be wiped, and discovering there's no more paper left on the roll.
I wish they would make Jack Bauer deal with one of these scenarios on the show, 24. About 10-15 minutes of the episode would be Jack befouling a public restroom after making the poor decision to grande size his lunch burrito supreme.

Jobs I've Kept Because of My Co-workers.

No need to re-rack.

Hot co-workers certainly make showing up for work almost on time and partially in uniform more feasible for me. Here's a list of some crappy jobs (back in highschool and in college) I've kept simply because of the view from my work area:
1. Hardee's Front Counter Opener (6am-10am M-F)
2. Centerpiece at Le Maison De Mange A Trois.
3. Outbound sales representative at Total Bastard Telemarketing.
4. Subway Sandwich Artiste
5. Subway Manager
6. Head of Security for a small local college library.
7. Bartender/Trainer El Conquistador's Authentic Corporate Mexican Restaurant and Cantina.

Why My Last Relationship Failed.

Last picture taken of me and the ex-girlfriend as a couple.

I get asked all the time things like, "What makes you go out on the town like you do?", "How do you deal with all the attention from being The Heart-throb?", "Where did you get those clothes?", and "Will you please ask your entourage to settle down before we toss your leather pants-ed ass?".
Most of the answers can be traced back to the last long-term relationship I held, and why it didn't work out. It's clear from the above photo that we were doomed because: 1) I'm outgoing and spontaneous, 2) She's a high-maintenance snob, 3) The Ass was hanging around with us WAY too much (he took the picture). Ultimately, it was The Ass who convinced me to end the relationship, by hooking up with her one night after work.

Reservation for Three at Le Maison De Manage A Trois

I met these three ladies while working part time as a centerpiece at this outdoor cafe downtown. The Ass was working there too as a busboy, and we invited the 3 out with us. Eleanor (far left) and Britanny (middle) were highly touted recruits for the university's soccer team, and they got bent all out of shape after The Ass made his soapbox speech about how all soccer players smell like feet. Jeanette (far right) kept flirting with The Ass all night because she thought he was Michael Stipe.

Double dose.

We've been a little slack with the posts, so I figured we needed to step it up with ladies. These two were sharing a bottle of Sweetwater 420 until I introduced them to PBR and the American Heart-throb.

The blonde's name was Tiffany and she had a bad crush on The Ass ever since she saw him at the flea market haggling over the price of some rope and a machete with a guy with an eye-patch. Her friend's name was Amber, or Kelly, or Valerie, or one of those damn Saved By The 90210 names. She kept calling me "Zack", and the Ass "Slater". The Ass refused to give them a ride home because he was low on gas.

8 Seconds!!!

I'm still pissed Luke Perry didn't credit me with teaching him how to ride so authentically for that movie.

The Ass went out of town to establish his alibi, or for vacation, I can't remember which. Either way, he took his big ride with him, leaving me with this as my only means of transportation. It wouldn't be so bad if the damn thing didn't eat/crap so much, or wasn't firmly bolted into place.

American Ass & Pals

How cool is the American Ass? Check out this photo of him with a female fan and Jon Mayer while out drinking in Sin City.

I'm sorry that you can't be me, or even the Heart-throb, but don't be jealous. Jealousy gets you nowhere in America. Hardwork, good looks, and pride is all that matters.

A Real American Under Attack

The Republican Party has decided to co-op the image and music of Johnny Cash to help support their ridiculous idea that they support the common, hard-working American during the RNC this week. This is the same crap the Reagin adminstration pulled during his re-election campaign by trying to use "Born in the USA" as their campaign anthem. Fortunately, Springsteen quickly vetoed that. However, Johnny doesn't have much say in the matter since he's been dead a few months.

There is a site dedicated to petitioning this, http://www.defendjohnnycash.org/. I say if you got a few minutes, give it a look.